Demons OUT!

So here is a little factoid: Its called Post-Lactation Depression. Or, as I like to think of it, The Hormonal Roller-coaster from Hell. The last time I was this nuts, I'm pretty sure I was on hormone-birth control and Jared lovingly dubbed me "Dragon Lady".

I do feel assured knowing that this won't last, and that they day will come when I don't feel wicked cranky, crabby, angry, sad, weepy, overwhelmed and all out enraged. Its gotta happen. I have been seeing my acupuncturist again, which has really helped. However--with my schedule, I can't go as often as my hormone-crazed self needs... I need an acupuncturist that makes house calls!

One thing that I never understood in having a child is that I would have to experience hormonal insanity for close to three years. Since becoming pregnant, I have had no clue when or how bad my hormonal surges might occur. For example, the day of my birthday was spent weeping uncontrollably. Just last week I brought Lev to a pumpkin patch, an activity which I thought might be totally adoreable. Instead, picture this: Me, stomping around a pumpkin patch, Lev with no pants on (as he had fallen in a mud puddle) calling out to me to carry him as he had trouble navigating the squishy and pumpkin-filled terrain, and then both of us, mad at each other because 1.) Lev didn't want to ride in a wagon and 2.) I didn't want to carry him and two pumpkins back to the car. Idyllic fall-time afternoon spent mud covered and in a hormonal haze--neither of us really felt all that festive by the end.

I know its gotta end eventually...but the thing with hormones is that you literally feel out of control when they are wrecking havoc on your system. My friend Molly describes the way PMS feels when it comes on--She can feel this cold hormone drip enveloping her brain and spreading all the way down her limbs...and then the madness starts. I keep thinking there must be a better way to get a handle on this. Instead, I'm at the mercy of my endocrine system.

I googled post-weaning depression/moodswings/whatever and found that there are other moms experiencing the same thing as me. Yes, this does reassure me, but it also makes me wonder... if we're all going nuts, then what is this doing to the rest of humanity? Shouldn't we be sent into the wilderness until this stage passes? I know my family doesn't enjoy being around me when I'm on a hormone-bender. I know that my mood swings are really hard on Jared and make him feel like a maniac too. How can you love someone who is snarling and growling one minute, and weeping and pathetically telling you "its all your fault" the next? I understand now why so many marriages don't make it past the first few years ... This is hard stuff. We aren't on our best behavior for our spouses. In fact, sometimes we're on our worst behavior on purpose!

Sigh. Come rescue me. Bring a witch doctor. We gotta get these demons out.

Hormonal wreck. Or Hormonal wreck?

Weaning has led to some intense hormonal outbursts. And I'm starting to wonder...when will the hormonal rages end? Did these happen before pregnancy? I can't even remember what I was like before all of my prego-mama-postpartum-lactation-weaning self took form. And when can I stop justifying my rages by saying "oh, its hormones". And when can I start really trusting my feelings instead of assuming that its all just a hormonal outburst? Sometimes I don't know what feelings are real, and what are just the result of a long day, little sleep, lots of stress and cloudy skies.

Or perhaps, all of those feelings are important, regardless if they come out crazed and teary.

Doesn't really make the communication thing work though.

An 80s Comeback

Well, its officially been a zillion months since my last post. Much has happened...actually, I didn't even really think to read where I left off.

But I thought it was worth posting the most recent event, which is that Lev and I are done breastfeeding. Well, Lev isn't done. But I am done. And the milkmakers are done. It feels so strange to have my breasts shrink back to normalcy, a little worse for wear, but also just back to their old selves again. They really don't look that different, or hang lower, or any of the other false stereotypes that breastfeeding can lead to... It feels good to feel like me. And not a nursing mama.

One drawback to weaning is the hormonal rollercoaster that accompanies it. Great news! Its like the grand finale--after experiencing nothing but hormonal rollercoasters since the onset of pregnancy, I get to have one last hazzah of hormonal madness before I (hopefully) return to the life of mid-twenties ladyfriend.

I've been weeping, I've been raging, I've been collapsing... Hard to say if its passed, as I have already shed some tears and its not even 8am. By some miracle, Lev is sleeping in, and of course, due to the wonders of the universe, on such days as these I do not have the heavy eye-lids to allow me to also sleep in. Tomorrow I'll want to--yesterday I wanted to. But today, I'm spending this precious, quiet time here. Updating after so long.

I feel like what my goals were when I first started this blog are so different now. Intuitive childrearing? I don't even know what that means anymore. Really, that kind of mindset I think is great when you have an infant. But then they turn into a toddler. And everything that ever made sense goes out the window. Then again, I think it takes a certain kind of person and mindset to just go with the flow--do the insane things a toddler wants to do. Diaper an plush, 80's popple doll, put socks on it, and let it have its own share of the watermelon at snack time. But is that really my intuition at work?

Jared is back to work after the summer break, our Kombucha business is in full force (we have 80 gallons at our house at this moment--who needs some??), I've had to more or less put all of my other jobs/hobbies on hold as a result of lack of childcare and lack of hours in the day. So taking that matted, purple popple and giving it every ounce of attention that Lev thinks it deserves in order to A.) avoid Lev screaming and B.) keep him entertained for a few moments seems less like an instinct, and more like survival.

I'm waiting for Lev to wake up now. Waiting for my day to start--for he and I to take on the countless tasks that I have lined up in order to fulfill my duties as co-owner of a blossoming kombucha venture. But I'm trying to make it fun--going to a child friendly coffee shop to see if they're interested in our 'booch, but also staying to play a while. Driving across town to deliver a starter kit, but maybe taking a bike ride too.

Did I mention that Lev started talking? In tears, he will call out for me "Mama!" and for the popple "Pah-pul" and we'll sit together, Lev awash in watermelon juice, the popple in its sagging one-sie that reads "Grandma loves me", and their mama.

Many things have happened since my last blog post and for the better. Sure, the angst comes and goes, but the direction has become much clearer--ha, ha!

I've finished a training to start doing placenta encapsulation the fancy way, as opposed to my back-alley way and now have neon-pink business cards that have my name Placenta Encapsulation Specialist printed on them. Oh! and Placenta Power!-->which is my new catch phrase/slogan/battle cry. More details about this to come!

Also, in addition to doing illustration, I've also become a co-editor for hipMama--this is pretty amazing. The next issue is coming out soon! Just another week or so... Our next issue is about secrets, the following is on the body, then faith, education and home. If you feel inspired to submit--->submissions@hipmamazine.com.

Things on the baby front are going well--Lev is a full fledged toddler--breaking things, eating pennies (hasn't swallowed one yet!), trying to escape through the front door, climbing stairs, dancing, making out words...We are lucky enough to have a good friend living with us, in addition to my sister, so I'm on my way to actually having a little more personal time and space away from my boy. The next catastrophe will likely be weaning...an event that I'm not planning, but anticipating. I have a lot of mixed feelings about weaning--I planned on waiting until Lev was at least two before even thinking about attempting to cut him off. But then I start imagining a world where Lev doesn't whine to nurse, where he doesn't try to tear open my shirts, where he doesn't grab at my nipples like they were mashed banana...

Its a really hard call. I found myself in awe of our hipMama lawyer, whose son is two weeks younger then Lev--she weaned him, laughingly called herself "the bad mama" and, smiling, went back to looking over our LLC documents. Another of the hipmamas and I were nursing our children at the time and I felt our shared sensation of being duped. At the same time, I know that there are countless benefits to continuing to nurse Lev--and I still love nursing him. However, I am really aware that I need to start making some boundaries with nursing him. I have been attempting to cut off night nursing (to no avail) and I want to start restricting where and when I nurse him. I am going back to the beginning lessons of breastfeeding: this is a relationship that has to work for both of us or it won't be successful. That means, if I don't want to nurse him, I don't have to. That means, he is going to cry more and ask for it and I'll have to find new ways to comfort him, to distract him. Its not easy (he approaches me as I'm writing this, asking for, guess what?). I want to talk to some other moms about their tactics--I think it might include just having more snacks available to him--enter the hotdog!

Its amazing how much things can change--from my idealistic beginnings of attachment parenting, to my here, just eat this finger-food distractions. I know that this is a natural course, and that while Lev was really little I was doing the best I knew how for him. And he is older now--I don't feel guilty for not giving him the same kinds of attentions as I did when he was an infant; I don't feel guilty for not making the same kinds of personal sacrifices. I'm noticing that I need to pay attention to what other parents are doing; perhaps toys that make noise aren't necessarily from the dark side.

We really are doing great, though. A wonderful holiday in Costa Rica to visit Jared's family was just what we needed to gain some perspective, rest, rejoice and to experience some amazing waves. This is a photo of Lev and I at the lake near the Arenal Volcano--little did we realize that the reason why no one else tends to swim here is that it is home to the Cayman crocodile...or is it an alligator...
More info on placenta encapsulation to come. I have lots to share and will post about the birthing class I'm attending this evening, where I will be talking about the benefits of placenta to postpartum recovery. Did I mention that I feel like a shaman...?

This is what a post-partum shot-gun wedding wife looks like.

While driving my friend Chelsea to the airport today, she said something to me that shed some light on my recent identity crisis. I was doing the usual bitch and moan routine, filling her in on the details of my life she had missed from so much travelling. She listened thoughtfully, then said, "I think part of the reason things are so hard for you, is that it seems your life was so different before the whole baby-marriage thing." Thunderbolt strikes, the ground opens up, the undead begin rising from their dusty graves...



In a more roundabout way, I have considered this fact. I do a lot of comparing my current life situation to my peers--a game that only gets me into more trouble. I also find myself thinking longingly of the days of yore--of late nights and blurred vision, of holding hands with handsome strangers, of entire days spent in bed, of travelling to distant lands, of independence, of coffee and cigarettes with my best friend. Sure, perhaps I idealize the past. Perhaps the rock and roll lifestyle really wasn't what I wanted... but I think that before I was able to really figure out what it was I DID want, I ended up here. Life took me in this direction, and now that I've come out of the new-mom haze, my thoughts are...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??



I'm married, with a baby and feel like I am stuck. One thought I've had is that Jared and I have very few role models. Most married people we know are middle-aged. So we've been copying that scene, and I feel like a bitter housewife, who gave up her dreams to roast chickens and do laundry. However, I have learned that roasting chickens and doing laundry are important-you gotta eat, you gotta be reasonable clean. On the other hand, I'm sick of both of them. What does a young married couple look like? How do THEY cope with the stresses that this life brings? Are they happy? And if so, how the hell did they pull it off??



I feel like I've been telling myself that there are ways for me to still accomplish my dreams as a mother and a wife. I know this is true. BUT HOW? I want to travel, I want to have adventures... are these just the unreasonable ramblings of a nieve and unrealistic babymama? This is where the identity crisis comes in. I'm not really happy. Okay, I've admitted it. What am I unhappy with? That I'm a stay at home mom? In theory, I should love this. I get to not work, I get to make whatever kind of breakfast I want, I get to do all sorts of things that many only get to do on the weekends. BUT. I do it with a soon-to-be-toddler. I once thought, "This is great! No boss to tell me what to do...ahh!" But, now I think... I don't have a boss, but I have a child who demands most of my attention, and a husband with high expectations of me to keep our Kombucha business afloat. So, I don't have a job, but I have many responsibilities, most of which I kind of was tossed into. Is it wrong of me to want to walk out? Really, this all just happened so fast. I might be having the freak out that many thought I should have had months ago.



I have been really hellbent on finding a community for myself--finding creative endevours, making new friends, trying new things... however, I still come home to the same people. I am still a mommy. I am still a wifey.. I can't make those things go away. I ultimately feel trapped. I am stuck with these two dudes for the rest of my life. Its a hard call. I love them, but I have sacrificed what feels like everything for them. It could just be a melodramatic episode, but it sure feels like hell to me. How can I be a mom/wife, and still feel like me? Part of the trouble is that I will never again feel like "me" or the "me" I was before I ended up a stepford wife. Too much has changed--I mean, I became a mother for christsake.



I've been told and I've learned through hearsay that close friends and family have trouble identifying with and relating to the person I've become. Who is she? they ask. Who did she used to be? And... What has she become? What happened to that old Amanda spunk? My response to this is...I've been asking myself the same goddamn questions. I think it is important for me to take some initiative... but, christ, its hard to get anything done without real childcare.

September is this kind of Month

This is what is going on with me, other then what is going on with Lev in relation to me:

Did I mention that I started helping out on this amazing parenting zine called HipMama? Well guess what!! I am now the staff illustrator of this seasonal publication. The fall issue is about to come out. Its also the first issue that I've drawn for, in addition to doing some editing work as well. This has really been an amazing experience and opportunity for me to build my portfolio, learn the tricks and trades of smallish-time-DIY publication and to hang with some hip-ass mamatchkas. I like it, I like it. If you have a chance to pick up a copy, or to even go as far as subscribing, you could see my little drawings hither and thither within. I'm doing a comic for each zine, located on the inside of the cover as well as illustrating for the articles where needed.

Super cool.

Check out this place for a better look...HipMama!

Goodness, gracious. In addition to these goings on, there are other goings on as well. Think big! Think bigger! Think... muffins? Alright, its really nothing more than a temporary obsession with almond meal--the wheat-free enthusiasts new dream of culinary possibilities. I have this idea of making delicious coffee with hot baked-goods with butter. Somehow, this vision also includes an open window, a stretch of green, lush landscape with livestock braying in the nearby barn. Yes, my barn to be exact. I've been having more ideas about chickens and making my dream of living off the land come true...while still keeping a Portland zipcode and being close by to Jared's job. Alright, so its not going to happen this year, or even the next...but a gal can dream. And if almond-meal muffins can bring me even an iota closer to that dream, so be it!

Meanwhile, our kombucha business continues. We have big plans for the fall--more advertising, bigger classes and more buyers. If you're a friend of ours, you live nearby, and you drink kombucha, there is no reason to continue buying it in the store. I know you're out there, kombucha friends! Do yourselves a favor and buy it cheaper from us! I won't beg, but I will stop saying Oh, Its okay...when you make apologetic faces at us with your bottle of GT's in hand.

In conflusion, Lev is playing with big kids, little kids and with our toes. He is pulling chairs over and on top of himself. He will stand upright unassisted for up to a full minute. And... everything else you'll have to see for yourselves. I've been meaning to post more pictures here and I swear I'll make a better habit of it in the future.

Night Nurse

We went camping to a beautiful spot near Mt Hood called Lost Lake. Georgous, simply breathtaking. 30 miles or so from any towns, totally isolated, crystal clear water... I was ready to give it all up and become a hermit, forage for huckleberries and live in an old log. We settled into our tent for the night and I found that I was more comfortable on the hard ground than ever before! The air--so fresh! The stars--so bright! At first I felt wide awake from all the excitement of the day, but then...my lids got heavy and I found myself so ready to slumber at a shocking 9:00pm.

And then it began. Lev woke up to nurse, thrashing around to find me through the sweaters and sleepingbags, about every two hours. Maybe more frequently (I should have been charting it by the movement of the stars I suppose). And everytime I woke up, I marvelled at how well I had been sleeping, how deeply I was resting, how comfortable I was in our little tent. (Ususally, I sleep like hell in the great outdoors...) The night was long, made even longer by our early to bed routine. When the sun finally rose, I felt Jared move around in a well-rested outdoorsman seize-the-day type way; I tossed Lev to him with a snarl and fell back to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later and announced to Jared that I was through! "I'm through!", I said. "I am no longer a night nurse! I've had it!" Jared basically knows every reggae song ever written, and began singing a Greggory Issac song entitled "Night Nurse". I felt outraged. He began singing the lyrics to me: "Night nurse Only you alone can quench this Jah thirst. " I saw red. "I said, I"m through!" I said. And, struggling with the zipper on the tent door, I managed to make as impressive an exit as I could.

I feel it appropriate to post the lyrics to this song here. This is basically my life. Minus the broken heart stuff. I've bolded the lines that speak to my experience the most...

Tell her try her best just to make it quick
Woman tend to the sick
'Cause there must be something she can do
This heart is broken in two
Tell her it's a case of emergency
There's a patient by the name of Gregory

Night nurse
Only you alone can quench this Jah thirst
My night nurse, oh gosh
Oh the pain is getting worse

I don't wanna see no doc
I need attendance from my nurse around the clock
'Cause there's no prescription for me
She's the one, the only remedy

Night nurse
Only you alone can quench this Jah thirst
My night nurse
Oh the pain is getting worse

I hurt my love
And I'm sure
No doctor can cure
Night nurse
Night nurse

Lev continues to have very wakeful sleep...G-d, make this phase end soon!!