While driving my friend Chelsea to the airport today, she said something to me that shed some light on my recent identity crisis. I was doing the usual bitch and moan routine, filling her in on the details of my life she had missed from so much travelling. She listened thoughtfully, then said, "I think part of the reason things are so hard for you, is that it seems your life was so different before the whole baby-marriage thing." Thunderbolt strikes, the ground opens up, the undead begin rising from their dusty graves...
In a more roundabout way, I have considered this fact. I do a lot of comparing my current life situation to my peers--a game that only gets me into more trouble. I also find myself thinking longingly of the days of yore--of late nights and blurred vision, of holding hands with handsome strangers, of entire days spent in bed, of travelling to distant lands, of independence, of coffee and cigarettes with my best friend. Sure, perhaps I idealize the past. Perhaps the rock and roll lifestyle really wasn't what I wanted... but I think that before I was able to really figure out what it was I DID want, I ended up here. Life took me in this direction, and now that I've come out of the new-mom haze, my thoughts are...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??
I'm married, with a baby and feel like I am stuck. One thought I've had is that Jared and I have very few role models. Most married people we know are middle-aged. So we've been copying that scene, and I feel like a bitter housewife, who gave up her dreams to roast chickens and do laundry. However, I have learned that roasting chickens and doing laundry are important-you gotta eat, you gotta be reasonable clean. On the other hand, I'm sick of both of them. What does a young married couple look like? How do THEY cope with the stresses that this life brings? Are they happy? And if so, how the hell did they pull it off??
I feel like I've been telling myself that there are ways for me to still accomplish my dreams as a mother and a wife. I know this is true. BUT HOW? I want to travel, I want to have adventures... are these just the unreasonable ramblings of a nieve and unrealistic babymama? This is where the identity crisis comes in. I'm not really happy. Okay, I've admitted it. What am I unhappy with? That I'm a stay at home mom? In theory, I should love this. I get to not work, I get to make whatever kind of breakfast I want, I get to do all sorts of things that many only get to do on the weekends. BUT. I do it with a soon-to-be-toddler. I once thought, "This is great! No boss to tell me what to do...ahh!" But, now I think... I don't have a boss, but I have a child who demands most of my attention, and a husband with high expectations of me to keep our Kombucha business afloat. So, I don't have a job, but I have many responsibilities, most of which I kind of was tossed into. Is it wrong of me to want to walk out? Really, this all just happened so fast. I might be having the freak out that many thought I should have had months ago.
I have been really hellbent on finding a community for myself--finding creative endevours, making new friends, trying new things... however, I still come home to the same people. I am still a mommy. I am still a wifey.. I can't make those things go away. I ultimately feel trapped. I am stuck with these two dudes for the rest of my life. Its a hard call. I love them, but I have sacrificed what feels like everything for them. It could just be a melodramatic episode, but it sure feels like hell to me. How can I be a mom/wife, and still feel like me? Part of the trouble is that I will never again feel like "me" or the "me" I was before I ended up a stepford wife. Too much has changed--I mean, I became a mother for christsake.
I've been told and I've learned through hearsay that close friends and family have trouble identifying with and relating to the person I've become. Who is she? they ask. Who did she used to be? And... What has she become? What happened to that old Amanda spunk? My response to this is...I've been asking myself the same goddamn questions. I think it is important for me to take some initiative... but, christ, its hard to get anything done without real childcare.
