I could be wrong... but I think that Lev slept through the night last night... Its hard to tell really. During the night when he wakes up to feed, I'm usually half-awake and still dreaming. But what I really want to talk about is Passover. This is my favorite holiday--not because of the matzo, though of course that plays a huge part. I love revisiting this story--its full of drama, suspense, heartbreak and eventual (after 40 years of wandering in the desert) freedom. Each year I feel affected by different parts of the story--this year, naturally, I felt affected by the order of the Pharaoh that all Jewish sons be murdered. I found myself remembering this song that my mother wrote called Rachel--which I'll post what lyrics I can remember here.
Rachel, ooohh, Rachel
Rachel, ooohh, Rachel
She held him in her arms this morning, Rachel.
She nursed him at her breast this morning, Rachel.
This morning the sun came out to warm her,
There was no way to warn here.
She rose to greet the day and break her fast.
She could not know that day would be his last.
Pharaoh, the king, commands them,
Cut down all the boy children...
That is as much as I can remember--she wrote this song when I was in third grade. This was during her stint as a Bible-story playwright. She wrote a nativity play, and 2 Easter plays (one was an opera actually). This Rachel song is still so powerful to me, especially now that I have my own little boy.
Last Passover, I remember learning about the Egyptian midwives who would cunningly disobey the orders of the Pharaoh to steal male babies from their Jewish mothers by claiming that the Jewish women were like beasts in the fields--by the time the midwives were called upon and reached the laboring women, they had already given birth to their babies unaided.
I want to write a song about all of this...like my mother's song, but not as focused on the tale of one woman. I want to use this story as a metaphor: our sons, our future, being threatened by the mass concepts of what it is to be alive, healthy, and mindful--raising more children to become fearful, rigid and driven towards production, production... I know "the children are our future" type themes are overkill, but through my entire pregnancy and now postpartum life, I am really coming to understand how we are as parents and the kinds of environments that we present to our children are so powerful... that of course brings up the ol' nature vs nurture, but I say to hell with that. Bearing children into the world without focusing on fear is the first step towards eliminating the fear-based culture we find outselves in today. In a sense, this is what Passover is showing me this year: the Hebrew ladies of old feared bearing sons into the world because they would be taken from them and murdered. I shared that fear-- I literally think about my son being "taken" from me by the men in his life and shown what it is to "be a man"; there are such rigid and oppressive rules and expectations that are placed on men in this society. This fear is something that I deal with in my own marriage and family. It is something that I will continue to deal with: but I have faith that I will be able to resolve this for myself and, hopefully, in my family and marriage.
Next year in Jerusalem, Next year in Freedom--always looking towards the positive, always looking towards a brighter future. For me, that means trusting that the man my son becomes won't be afraid of his own emotions, that he will find ways to communicate without violence, and that he will learn and experience this world in a respectful and honest way. Its hard though--I see how defenive men can get when I talk about this--they immediately equate my feelings with: you want to raise a pansy son, a faggy son, a weakling. This is the issue: you're either a man, or a girl. Ahhh... anyway, passover has a lot of really powerful themes. These are some of the issues that are striking me most this morning.
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