It seems all about career these days, folks. Tomorrow I'm participating in a volunteer training for The Baby Blues Connection--I hoping to do peer-counseling for mamas experiencing PPD, as well as maybe co-facilitating group sessions...maybe? Sometime? When I have more time? I've been wanting to get involved with this organization for over a year now--they are the main, free postpartum emotional/mental health option in this area. They kick ass for sure and I'm super into supporting mamas in this way. On top of that, I'm hoping to volunteer for Backline at some point too--a group that offers doula support for women who are having abortions. Amazing, amazing.
Right...and then there is that time piece again. :)
Meanwhile, Lev is repeating everything we say, having enormous melt-downs when his banana breaks in two, reading Dr. Seuss and wanting to wear his froggie boots in the house no matter how covered in mud they are. Hard to believe that this little dude was ever an even tinier dude. Since finishing my postpartum doula training, I already have started working with one family...its so nuts, you guys. SO nuts. Going back to tending to infants is such an enormous flashback to how hellish having a new born can be. Its amazing, yes. But after one hour of caring for a baby, my shoulders ached, my back was sore and I was exhausted. The next day my arms were sore from carrying, bouncing and swinging this one little 8 week old baby in an attempt to soothe his anger at being away from his mama. Dear god, how did I do this with my own child??? Oh right, I nursed him constantly.
While this was only my first family, I can't help but think that I'm more cut out for work with mamas than with babies. Postpartum doula work encompasses both of these worlds, and really--you can't have one without the other (for the most part that is). So somehow, I have to become a baby guru and have all the right answers for those mamas that are needing support. Its daunting to say the least, but at least its a direction that I with my whole heart want to explore. And who knows, maybe when its all said and done, I'll go back to being a Russian Interpreter and forget the whole thing ever happened.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
$$$$$
Whew, alright, so thank god things have settled down hormonally since last I posted. Its like night and day. So here is my word to any mamas that may be experiencing this now--Holy crap, it gets better!
In other news, I feel an update is needed as to what I'm actually doing to fill my days right now.
A combination of the following activities:
Hanging with Lev
Promoting Placenta Power
Promoting and slaving away for Lion Heart Kombucha
Promoting and micro-managing myself while working on Hip Mama Zine
and... what else? Being a sluttish house keeper, washing diapers, taking hot baths when at all possible, making stew, striving to go to yoga classes, trying to reason with a toddler and... wishing that I was actually making some cash. Sometimes I do, but not much and never with any regularity. But hey, that's being a stay-at-home-mom-with-many-side-businesses for you.
Its been really lovely networking and connecting with other professional moms. Its pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, if they can do it, I can do it, right? However, the thing on most people's minds right now (mine included) is money, money, money. How to make more of it, how to manage without much of it. I have to say, its getting to be a pretty boring conversation. Somehow I can't lift myself out of this grip of low-to-no income. And it all keeps coming back to the fact that I can't really be a full-time mom and work at the same time. So the lack of cash flow continues...
That is about as much time as I have to update, Lev is demanding more bubbles in the kitchen sink and is likely about to dump an entire pot of water onto the floor.
In other news, I feel an update is needed as to what I'm actually doing to fill my days right now.
A combination of the following activities:
Hanging with Lev
Promoting Placenta Power
Promoting and slaving away for Lion Heart Kombucha
Promoting and micro-managing myself while working on Hip Mama Zine
and... what else? Being a sluttish house keeper, washing diapers, taking hot baths when at all possible, making stew, striving to go to yoga classes, trying to reason with a toddler and... wishing that I was actually making some cash. Sometimes I do, but not much and never with any regularity. But hey, that's being a stay-at-home-mom-with-many-side-businesses for you.
Its been really lovely networking and connecting with other professional moms. Its pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, if they can do it, I can do it, right? However, the thing on most people's minds right now (mine included) is money, money, money. How to make more of it, how to manage without much of it. I have to say, its getting to be a pretty boring conversation. Somehow I can't lift myself out of this grip of low-to-no income. And it all keeps coming back to the fact that I can't really be a full-time mom and work at the same time. So the lack of cash flow continues...
That is about as much time as I have to update, Lev is demanding more bubbles in the kitchen sink and is likely about to dump an entire pot of water onto the floor.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Demons OUT!
So here is a little factoid: Its called Post-Lactation Depression. Or, as I like to think of it, The Hormonal Roller-coaster from Hell. The last time I was this nuts, I'm pretty sure I was on hormone-birth control and Jared lovingly dubbed me "Dragon Lady".
I do feel assured knowing that this won't last, and that they day will come when I don't feel wicked cranky, crabby, angry, sad, weepy, overwhelmed and all out enraged. Its gotta happen. I have been seeing my acupuncturist again, which has really helped. However--with my schedule, I can't go as often as my hormone-crazed self needs... I need an acupuncturist that makes house calls!
One thing that I never understood in having a child is that I would have to experience hormonal insanity for close to three years. Since becoming pregnant, I have had no clue when or how bad my hormonal surges might occur. For example, the day of my birthday was spent weeping uncontrollably. Just last week I brought Lev to a pumpkin patch, an activity which I thought might be totally adoreable. Instead, picture this: Me, stomping around a pumpkin patch, Lev with no pants on (as he had fallen in a mud puddle) calling out to me to carry him as he had trouble navigating the squishy and pumpkin-filled terrain, and then both of us, mad at each other because 1.) Lev didn't want to ride in a wagon and 2.) I didn't want to carry him and two pumpkins back to the car. Idyllic fall-time afternoon spent mud covered and in a hormonal haze--neither of us really felt all that festive by the end.
I know its gotta end eventually...but the thing with hormones is that you literally feel out of control when they are wrecking havoc on your system. My friend Molly describes the way PMS feels when it comes on--She can feel this cold hormone drip enveloping her brain and spreading all the way down her limbs...and then the madness starts. I keep thinking there must be a better way to get a handle on this. Instead, I'm at the mercy of my endocrine system.
I googled post-weaning depression/moodswings/whatever and found that there are other moms experiencing the same thing as me. Yes, this does reassure me, but it also makes me wonder... if we're all going nuts, then what is this doing to the rest of humanity? Shouldn't we be sent into the wilderness until this stage passes? I know my family doesn't enjoy being around me when I'm on a hormone-bender. I know that my mood swings are really hard on Jared and make him feel like a maniac too. How can you love someone who is snarling and growling one minute, and weeping and pathetically telling you "its all your fault" the next? I understand now why so many marriages don't make it past the first few years ... This is hard stuff. We aren't on our best behavior for our spouses. In fact, sometimes we're on our worst behavior on purpose!
Sigh. Come rescue me. Bring a witch doctor. We gotta get these demons out.
I do feel assured knowing that this won't last, and that they day will come when I don't feel wicked cranky, crabby, angry, sad, weepy, overwhelmed and all out enraged. Its gotta happen. I have been seeing my acupuncturist again, which has really helped. However--with my schedule, I can't go as often as my hormone-crazed self needs... I need an acupuncturist that makes house calls!
One thing that I never understood in having a child is that I would have to experience hormonal insanity for close to three years. Since becoming pregnant, I have had no clue when or how bad my hormonal surges might occur. For example, the day of my birthday was spent weeping uncontrollably. Just last week I brought Lev to a pumpkin patch, an activity which I thought might be totally adoreable. Instead, picture this: Me, stomping around a pumpkin patch, Lev with no pants on (as he had fallen in a mud puddle) calling out to me to carry him as he had trouble navigating the squishy and pumpkin-filled terrain, and then both of us, mad at each other because 1.) Lev didn't want to ride in a wagon and 2.) I didn't want to carry him and two pumpkins back to the car. Idyllic fall-time afternoon spent mud covered and in a hormonal haze--neither of us really felt all that festive by the end.
I know its gotta end eventually...but the thing with hormones is that you literally feel out of control when they are wrecking havoc on your system. My friend Molly describes the way PMS feels when it comes on--She can feel this cold hormone drip enveloping her brain and spreading all the way down her limbs...and then the madness starts. I keep thinking there must be a better way to get a handle on this. Instead, I'm at the mercy of my endocrine system.
I googled post-weaning depression/moodswings/whatever and found that there are other moms experiencing the same thing as me. Yes, this does reassure me, but it also makes me wonder... if we're all going nuts, then what is this doing to the rest of humanity? Shouldn't we be sent into the wilderness until this stage passes? I know my family doesn't enjoy being around me when I'm on a hormone-bender. I know that my mood swings are really hard on Jared and make him feel like a maniac too. How can you love someone who is snarling and growling one minute, and weeping and pathetically telling you "its all your fault" the next? I understand now why so many marriages don't make it past the first few years ... This is hard stuff. We aren't on our best behavior for our spouses. In fact, sometimes we're on our worst behavior on purpose!
Sigh. Come rescue me. Bring a witch doctor. We gotta get these demons out.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Hormonal wreck. Or Hormonal wreck?
Weaning has led to some intense hormonal outbursts. And I'm starting to wonder...when will the hormonal rages end? Did these happen before pregnancy? I can't even remember what I was like before all of my prego-mama-postpartum-lactation-weaning self took form. And when can I stop justifying my rages by saying "oh, its hormones". And when can I start really trusting my feelings instead of assuming that its all just a hormonal outburst? Sometimes I don't know what feelings are real, and what are just the result of a long day, little sleep, lots of stress and cloudy skies.
Or perhaps, all of those feelings are important, regardless if they come out crazed and teary.
Doesn't really make the communication thing work though.
Or perhaps, all of those feelings are important, regardless if they come out crazed and teary.
Doesn't really make the communication thing work though.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
An 80s Comeback
Well, its officially been a zillion months since my last post. Much has happened...actually, I didn't even really think to read where I left off.
But I thought it was worth posting the most recent event, which is that Lev and I are done breastfeeding. Well, Lev isn't done. But I am done. And the milkmakers are done. It feels so strange to have my breasts shrink back to normalcy, a little worse for wear, but also just back to their old selves again. They really don't look that different, or hang lower, or any of the other false stereotypes that breastfeeding can lead to... It feels good to feel like me. And not a nursing mama.
One drawback to weaning is the hormonal rollercoaster that accompanies it. Great news! Its like the grand finale--after experiencing nothing but hormonal rollercoasters since the onset of pregnancy, I get to have one last hazzah of hormonal madness before I (hopefully) return to the life of mid-twenties ladyfriend.
I've been weeping, I've been raging, I've been collapsing... Hard to say if its passed, as I have already shed some tears and its not even 8am. By some miracle, Lev is sleeping in, and of course, due to the wonders of the universe, on such days as these I do not have the heavy eye-lids to allow me to also sleep in. Tomorrow I'll want to--yesterday I wanted to. But today, I'm spending this precious, quiet time here. Updating after so long.
I feel like what my goals were when I first started this blog are so different now. Intuitive childrearing? I don't even know what that means anymore. Really, that kind of mindset I think is great when you have an infant. But then they turn into a toddler. And everything that ever made sense goes out the window. Then again, I think it takes a certain kind of person and mindset to just go with the flow--do the insane things a toddler wants to do. Diaper an plush, 80's popple doll, put socks on it, and let it have its own share of the watermelon at snack time. But is that really my intuition at work?
Jared is back to work after the summer break, our Kombucha business is in full force (we have 80 gallons at our house at this moment--who needs some??), I've had to more or less put all of my other jobs/hobbies on hold as a result of lack of childcare and lack of hours in the day. So taking that matted, purple popple and giving it every ounce of attention that Lev thinks it deserves in order to A.) avoid Lev screaming and B.) keep him entertained for a few moments seems less like an instinct, and more like survival.
I'm waiting for Lev to wake up now. Waiting for my day to start--for he and I to take on the countless tasks that I have lined up in order to fulfill my duties as co-owner of a blossoming kombucha venture. But I'm trying to make it fun--going to a child friendly coffee shop to see if they're interested in our 'booch, but also staying to play a while. Driving across town to deliver a starter kit, but maybe taking a bike ride too.
Did I mention that Lev started talking? In tears, he will call out for me "Mama!" and for the popple "Pah-pul" and we'll sit together, Lev awash in watermelon juice, the popple in its sagging one-sie that reads "Grandma loves me", and their mama.
But I thought it was worth posting the most recent event, which is that Lev and I are done breastfeeding. Well, Lev isn't done. But I am done. And the milkmakers are done. It feels so strange to have my breasts shrink back to normalcy, a little worse for wear, but also just back to their old selves again. They really don't look that different, or hang lower, or any of the other false stereotypes that breastfeeding can lead to... It feels good to feel like me. And not a nursing mama.
One drawback to weaning is the hormonal rollercoaster that accompanies it. Great news! Its like the grand finale--after experiencing nothing but hormonal rollercoasters since the onset of pregnancy, I get to have one last hazzah of hormonal madness before I (hopefully) return to the life of mid-twenties ladyfriend.
I've been weeping, I've been raging, I've been collapsing... Hard to say if its passed, as I have already shed some tears and its not even 8am. By some miracle, Lev is sleeping in, and of course, due to the wonders of the universe, on such days as these I do not have the heavy eye-lids to allow me to also sleep in. Tomorrow I'll want to--yesterday I wanted to. But today, I'm spending this precious, quiet time here. Updating after so long.
I feel like what my goals were when I first started this blog are so different now. Intuitive childrearing? I don't even know what that means anymore. Really, that kind of mindset I think is great when you have an infant. But then they turn into a toddler. And everything that ever made sense goes out the window. Then again, I think it takes a certain kind of person and mindset to just go with the flow--do the insane things a toddler wants to do. Diaper an plush, 80's popple doll, put socks on it, and let it have its own share of the watermelon at snack time. But is that really my intuition at work?
Jared is back to work after the summer break, our Kombucha business is in full force (we have 80 gallons at our house at this moment--who needs some??), I've had to more or less put all of my other jobs/hobbies on hold as a result of lack of childcare and lack of hours in the day. So taking that matted, purple popple and giving it every ounce of attention that Lev thinks it deserves in order to A.) avoid Lev screaming and B.) keep him entertained for a few moments seems less like an instinct, and more like survival.
I'm waiting for Lev to wake up now. Waiting for my day to start--for he and I to take on the countless tasks that I have lined up in order to fulfill my duties as co-owner of a blossoming kombucha venture. But I'm trying to make it fun--going to a child friendly coffee shop to see if they're interested in our 'booch, but also staying to play a while. Driving across town to deliver a starter kit, but maybe taking a bike ride too.
Did I mention that Lev started talking? In tears, he will call out for me "Mama!" and for the popple "Pah-pul" and we'll sit together, Lev awash in watermelon juice, the popple in its sagging one-sie that reads "Grandma loves me", and their mama.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Many things have happened since my last blog post and for the better. Sure, the angst comes and goes, but the direction has become much clearer--ha, ha!
I've finished a training to start doing placenta encapsulation the fancy way, as opposed to my back-alley way and now have neon-pink business cards that have my name Placenta Encapsulation Specialist printed on them. Oh! and Placenta Power!-->which is my new catch phrase/slogan/battle cry. More details about this to come!
Also, in addition to doing illustration, I've also become a co-editor for hipMama--this is pretty amazing. The next issue is coming out soon! Just another week or so... Our next issue is about secrets, the following is on the body, then faith, education and home. If you feel inspired to submit--->submissions@hipmamazine.com.
Things on the baby front are going well--Lev is a full fledged toddler--breaking things, eating pennies (hasn't swallowed one yet!), trying to escape through the front door, climbing stairs, dancing, making out words...We are lucky enough to have a good friend living with us, in addition to my sister, so I'm on my way to actually having a little more personal time and space away from my boy. The next catastrophe will likely be weaning...an event that I'm not planning, but anticipating. I have a lot of mixed feelings about weaning--I planned on waiting until Lev was at least two before even thinking about attempting to cut him off. But then I start imagining a world where Lev doesn't whine to nurse, where he doesn't try to tear open my shirts, where he doesn't grab at my nipples like they were mashed banana...
Its a really hard call. I found myself in awe of our hipMama lawyer, whose son is two weeks younger then Lev--she weaned him, laughingly called herself "the bad mama" and, smiling, went back to looking over our LLC documents. Another of the hipmamas and I were nursing our children at the time and I felt our shared sensation of being duped. At the same time, I know that there are countless benefits to continuing to nurse Lev--and I still love nursing him. However, I am really aware that I need to start making some boundaries with nursing him. I have been attempting to cut off night nursing (to no avail) and I want to start restricting where and when I nurse him. I am going back to the beginning lessons of breastfeeding: this is a relationship that has to work for both of us or it won't be successful. That means, if I don't want to nurse him, I don't have to. That means, he is going to cry more and ask for it and I'll have to find new ways to comfort him, to distract him. Its not easy (he approaches me as I'm writing this, asking for, guess what?). I want to talk to some other moms about their tactics--I think it might include just having more snacks available to him--enter the hotdog!
Its amazing how much things can change--from my idealistic beginnings of attachment parenting, to my here, just eat this finger-food distractions. I know that this is a natural course, and that while Lev was really little I was doing the best I knew how for him. And he is older now--I don't feel guilty for not giving him the same kinds of attentions as I did when he was an infant; I don't feel guilty for not making the same kinds of personal sacrifices. I'm noticing that I need to pay attention to what other parents are doing; perhaps toys that make noise aren't necessarily from the dark side.
We really are doing great, though. A wonderful holiday in Costa Rica to visit Jared's family was just what we needed to gain some perspective, rest, rejoice and to experience some amazing waves. This is a photo of Lev and I at the lake near the Arenal Volcano--little did we realize that the reason why no one else tends to swim here is that it is home to the Cayman crocodile...or is it an alligator...
More info on placenta encapsulation to come. I have lots to share and will post about the birthing class I'm attending this evening, where I will be talking about the benefits of placenta to postpartum recovery. Did I mention that I feel like a shaman...?
I've finished a training to start doing placenta encapsulation the fancy way, as opposed to my back-alley way and now have neon-pink business cards that have my name Placenta Encapsulation Specialist printed on them. Oh! and Placenta Power!-->which is my new catch phrase/slogan/battle cry. More details about this to come!
Also, in addition to doing illustration, I've also become a co-editor for hipMama--this is pretty amazing. The next issue is coming out soon! Just another week or so... Our next issue is about secrets, the following is on the body, then faith, education and home. If you feel inspired to submit--->submissions@hipmamazine.com.
Things on the baby front are going well--Lev is a full fledged toddler--breaking things, eating pennies (hasn't swallowed one yet!), trying to escape through the front door, climbing stairs, dancing, making out words...We are lucky enough to have a good friend living with us, in addition to my sister, so I'm on my way to actually having a little more personal time and space away from my boy. The next catastrophe will likely be weaning...an event that I'm not planning, but anticipating. I have a lot of mixed feelings about weaning--I planned on waiting until Lev was at least two before even thinking about attempting to cut him off. But then I start imagining a world where Lev doesn't whine to nurse, where he doesn't try to tear open my shirts, where he doesn't grab at my nipples like they were mashed banana...
Its a really hard call. I found myself in awe of our hipMama lawyer, whose son is two weeks younger then Lev--she weaned him, laughingly called herself "the bad mama" and, smiling, went back to looking over our LLC documents. Another of the hipmamas and I were nursing our children at the time and I felt our shared sensation of being duped. At the same time, I know that there are countless benefits to continuing to nurse Lev--and I still love nursing him. However, I am really aware that I need to start making some boundaries with nursing him. I have been attempting to cut off night nursing (to no avail) and I want to start restricting where and when I nurse him. I am going back to the beginning lessons of breastfeeding: this is a relationship that has to work for both of us or it won't be successful. That means, if I don't want to nurse him, I don't have to. That means, he is going to cry more and ask for it and I'll have to find new ways to comfort him, to distract him. Its not easy (he approaches me as I'm writing this, asking for, guess what?). I want to talk to some other moms about their tactics--I think it might include just having more snacks available to him--enter the hotdog!
Its amazing how much things can change--from my idealistic beginnings of attachment parenting, to my here, just eat this finger-food distractions. I know that this is a natural course, and that while Lev was really little I was doing the best I knew how for him. And he is older now--I don't feel guilty for not giving him the same kinds of attentions as I did when he was an infant; I don't feel guilty for not making the same kinds of personal sacrifices. I'm noticing that I need to pay attention to what other parents are doing; perhaps toys that make noise aren't necessarily from the dark side.
We really are doing great, though. A wonderful holiday in Costa Rica to visit Jared's family was just what we needed to gain some perspective, rest, rejoice and to experience some amazing waves. This is a photo of Lev and I at the lake near the Arenal Volcano--little did we realize that the reason why no one else tends to swim here is that it is home to the Cayman crocodile...or is it an alligator...
More info on placenta encapsulation to come. I have lots to share and will post about the birthing class I'm attending this evening, where I will be talking about the benefits of placenta to postpartum recovery. Did I mention that I feel like a shaman...?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
This is what a post-partum shot-gun wedding wife looks like.
While driving my friend Chelsea to the airport today, she said something to me that shed some light on my recent identity crisis. I was doing the usual bitch and moan routine, filling her in on the details of my life she had missed from so much travelling. She listened thoughtfully, then said, "I think part of the reason things are so hard for you, is that it seems your life was so different before the whole baby-marriage thing." Thunderbolt strikes, the ground opens up, the undead begin rising from their dusty graves...
In a more roundabout way, I have considered this fact. I do a lot of comparing my current life situation to my peers--a game that only gets me into more trouble. I also find myself thinking longingly of the days of yore--of late nights and blurred vision, of holding hands with handsome strangers, of entire days spent in bed, of travelling to distant lands, of independence, of coffee and cigarettes with my best friend. Sure, perhaps I idealize the past. Perhaps the rock and roll lifestyle really wasn't what I wanted... but I think that before I was able to really figure out what it was I DID want, I ended up here. Life took me in this direction, and now that I've come out of the new-mom haze, my thoughts are...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??
I'm married, with a baby and feel like I am stuck. One thought I've had is that Jared and I have very few role models. Most married people we know are middle-aged. So we've been copying that scene, and I feel like a bitter housewife, who gave up her dreams to roast chickens and do laundry. However, I have learned that roasting chickens and doing laundry are important-you gotta eat, you gotta be reasonable clean. On the other hand, I'm sick of both of them. What does a young married couple look like? How do THEY cope with the stresses that this life brings? Are they happy? And if so, how the hell did they pull it off??
I feel like I've been telling myself that there are ways for me to still accomplish my dreams as a mother and a wife. I know this is true. BUT HOW? I want to travel, I want to have adventures... are these just the unreasonable ramblings of a nieve and unrealistic babymama? This is where the identity crisis comes in. I'm not really happy. Okay, I've admitted it. What am I unhappy with? That I'm a stay at home mom? In theory, I should love this. I get to not work, I get to make whatever kind of breakfast I want, I get to do all sorts of things that many only get to do on the weekends. BUT. I do it with a soon-to-be-toddler. I once thought, "This is great! No boss to tell me what to do...ahh!" But, now I think... I don't have a boss, but I have a child who demands most of my attention, and a husband with high expectations of me to keep our Kombucha business afloat. So, I don't have a job, but I have many responsibilities, most of which I kind of was tossed into. Is it wrong of me to want to walk out? Really, this all just happened so fast. I might be having the freak out that many thought I should have had months ago.
I have been really hellbent on finding a community for myself--finding creative endevours, making new friends, trying new things... however, I still come home to the same people. I am still a mommy. I am still a wifey.. I can't make those things go away. I ultimately feel trapped. I am stuck with these two dudes for the rest of my life. Its a hard call. I love them, but I have sacrificed what feels like everything for them. It could just be a melodramatic episode, but it sure feels like hell to me. How can I be a mom/wife, and still feel like me? Part of the trouble is that I will never again feel like "me" or the "me" I was before I ended up a stepford wife. Too much has changed--I mean, I became a mother for christsake.
I've been told and I've learned through hearsay that close friends and family have trouble identifying with and relating to the person I've become. Who is she? they ask. Who did she used to be? And... What has she become? What happened to that old Amanda spunk? My response to this is...I've been asking myself the same goddamn questions. I think it is important for me to take some initiative... but, christ, its hard to get anything done without real childcare.
In a more roundabout way, I have considered this fact. I do a lot of comparing my current life situation to my peers--a game that only gets me into more trouble. I also find myself thinking longingly of the days of yore--of late nights and blurred vision, of holding hands with handsome strangers, of entire days spent in bed, of travelling to distant lands, of independence, of coffee and cigarettes with my best friend. Sure, perhaps I idealize the past. Perhaps the rock and roll lifestyle really wasn't what I wanted... but I think that before I was able to really figure out what it was I DID want, I ended up here. Life took me in this direction, and now that I've come out of the new-mom haze, my thoughts are...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??
I'm married, with a baby and feel like I am stuck. One thought I've had is that Jared and I have very few role models. Most married people we know are middle-aged. So we've been copying that scene, and I feel like a bitter housewife, who gave up her dreams to roast chickens and do laundry. However, I have learned that roasting chickens and doing laundry are important-you gotta eat, you gotta be reasonable clean. On the other hand, I'm sick of both of them. What does a young married couple look like? How do THEY cope with the stresses that this life brings? Are they happy? And if so, how the hell did they pull it off??
I feel like I've been telling myself that there are ways for me to still accomplish my dreams as a mother and a wife. I know this is true. BUT HOW? I want to travel, I want to have adventures... are these just the unreasonable ramblings of a nieve and unrealistic babymama? This is where the identity crisis comes in. I'm not really happy. Okay, I've admitted it. What am I unhappy with? That I'm a stay at home mom? In theory, I should love this. I get to not work, I get to make whatever kind of breakfast I want, I get to do all sorts of things that many only get to do on the weekends. BUT. I do it with a soon-to-be-toddler. I once thought, "This is great! No boss to tell me what to do...ahh!" But, now I think... I don't have a boss, but I have a child who demands most of my attention, and a husband with high expectations of me to keep our Kombucha business afloat. So, I don't have a job, but I have many responsibilities, most of which I kind of was tossed into. Is it wrong of me to want to walk out? Really, this all just happened so fast. I might be having the freak out that many thought I should have had months ago.
I have been really hellbent on finding a community for myself--finding creative endevours, making new friends, trying new things... however, I still come home to the same people. I am still a mommy. I am still a wifey.. I can't make those things go away. I ultimately feel trapped. I am stuck with these two dudes for the rest of my life. Its a hard call. I love them, but I have sacrificed what feels like everything for them. It could just be a melodramatic episode, but it sure feels like hell to me. How can I be a mom/wife, and still feel like me? Part of the trouble is that I will never again feel like "me" or the "me" I was before I ended up a stepford wife. Too much has changed--I mean, I became a mother for christsake.
I've been told and I've learned through hearsay that close friends and family have trouble identifying with and relating to the person I've become. Who is she? they ask. Who did she used to be? And... What has she become? What happened to that old Amanda spunk? My response to this is...I've been asking myself the same goddamn questions. I think it is important for me to take some initiative... but, christ, its hard to get anything done without real childcare.
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